A (real) assistant professor's pick-up line

Except it's not a line, but an essay. At McSweeney's. Need I say more?

HEY, LADIES: CHECK OUT MY FACULTY ID:

Hey ladies, want a drink? Oh, yeah, that's my university ID. Sure, here, check it out. That's right, I'm part of the faculty.

Oh, I'm no adjunct. I'm an assistant professor. I know things about this university you can't even imagine.

Do you have any idea how big my interlibrary loan privileges are? I didn't think so. I get books longer, faster, and harder.