Totally pointless-but-fun links:
The Onion: Search for Self Called off After 38 Years:
"Well, I looked deep into the innermost recesses of my soul, I plumbed the depths of my subconscious, and you know what I found? An empty, windowless room the size of an aircraft hangar. From now on, if anybody needs me, I'll be sprawled out on this couch drinking black-cherry soda and watching Law & Order like everybody else."
"Fuck it," he added.
The (Kolkata) Telegraph: Google Finds Boy.